It's a start

start
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

I have a painting show in a week - ha!
It seems I developed a bad habit in art school- It seems I liked to have fun and live life and go out...and then when it was portfolio time- cram all art making into a week.

and.. well i'm still doing it now- 8 years later...I really should just paint on a contnuous basis, I'd probably get pretty good- you know the old mantra- practice makes perfect.

Well I decided to challenge myself this time and paint landscapes- not just any landscapes - the landscapes I saw on my last trip to the ol Highlands of Scotland.

This one here is far from finished - and as I have never done landscapes before - i'm not sure entirely where it is going - but it won't look like this.

Anywho, when I do finally start painting - i remember how much i love it and how it so meditative- slows my breathing down. I listen to my favourite music and eat paint- no not really. I don't eat paint - that's a little cuckoo :)

alrighty- back to it- i just wanted to chronicle this for myself - see where it was- and where it will go.

...

big sigh,
and
I got terrible news today about my sister- she lives a million miles away- literally- on a island off the coast of Morrocco. Sometimes it is so hard to be away from the ones you love. I am trying not to feel helpless, and just keep letting her know I am here- sadly just by phone - but I am here.

If I am lucky I will go and stay with her in January and February, work providing.

anywho, just listening to my friend Ron sing a beautiful song- so here's today's song...
I'll use other peoples words to express myself :)

"I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
Even though the bills are piling
Maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling

But if we only open our eyes
We'd see the blessings in disguise
That all the rain clouds are fountains
Though our troubles seem like mountains

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start..."

from Cobblestone Runway

Full Moon on the Rise

Something about the full moon makes me SO happy- i know I already mentioned it yesterday, and it isn't fully full till tomorrow- but I went out tonight with one of my dearest friends - we remark at the moon- la bella luna!... and she said forget about Irish Musicians and don't let them/him make you question yourself. And it's true- we were at my favourite little local and I know the cook there from years back - he said they didn't get a very good revue and I said - don't sweat it honey- it is only one persons opinion. Good advice- i should take it myself. :)

This beautiful friend keeps asking me to go to NYC with her- and we decided we will go for my birthday this year! Yay!!!
she is great for the ego.
In fact, I should start a self-promo club... I have so many wonderful friends - who make me feel wonderful- i should only surround myself with them. But then my head may explode from getting too big with compliments. I don't take compliments well - but lately that's all I seem to be getting- a few crummy people aside.

Anywho- i seem to be becoming addicted to this- but it is cathartic and I don't express myself enough verbally.
so I will warble on here till it has served its purpose and I find a new outlet.

ah Joni just came on:

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too...

I love that song... it is a song where I am driving down a dirt road the window down- warm summer breeze blowing- I am driving east and the sun is streaming in- singing out loud and feeling good, smiling to myself- living in a dream...

So true it is scary....

I sometimes procastinate....no really- i know - just terrible :) so anywho, when i do I read astrology etc. - well I just came across this and it is so true it is scary >

Your Moon is in Leo

Warm, loving, and generous in your affections, you inspire tremendous devotion and loyalty in your loved ones. This is good, since you would never settle for anything less! You want to be adored and worshipped like the king or queen that you feel you are, and it is difficult for anyone to resist the warmth and attention you lavish on those you care about. You have a great deal of pride and need to be recognized and appreciated. The way to really hurt your feelings is to ignore you. You are genuine, sincere, and have a strong sense of personal integrity. You hate emotional games and dishonesty.

The part about ignoring me hits home the most. Now I don't subscribe to living based on what the daily horoscope says- but I do believe there is a reason Astrology has been around for hundreds of years... and this is another one of those times when I really think - wow!

kiss the phunk goodbye

on sunny days i think of you
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

I just got home from looking after some friends kids. It is all the way across the city - about a 45 minute bike ride- and well, of course I rode.

I have been in a funk the past week - but i feel like it has finally lifted.

I cannot explain how happy riding my bike makes me feel.

No.1 one the kids are great- No. 2 my friends who are the parents are great - No. 3 - they got home from they're MMVA party- pour me a drink and we catch up on our lives and then I hop on my bike- the moon is nearing full...

and as an aside - the Full Moon - is my absolutely favourite thing in the world. I can't explain it- but it makes me happy, secure, laugh, etc, etc,..

so I am riding home- listening to my mp3 player...
"Don't fall in love if you are far away
Don't fall in love if they are too close
Don't fall in love if you hold onto your things
And you know that I love you the most
oh my baby,
I'm afraid I'm afraid of ghosts"...
Mark Geary - a Prayer for St. Rita

I am singing along- not really caring- it's late Sunday night- not many people out- and feck it if they don't like it.

I always love when i feel this way- when you feel the dark cloud pass- and the strength return.

The best part is - is when these friends who I haven't seen for so long- remind me how much they love me and I them in return. And especially how I can hear what they say without the doubts creeping in.

the picture is of a painting I did of riding my bike- it's freedom.

Good Things...

...
Good things come when you stop waiting around
Good things come when you stop looking
Don't get down
You've just got to stop looking

There are some things that I believe
Like if you've got nothing you've still got your family
And when you are no one you're still the king
...
Kathleen Edwards - from Back To Me "Good Things"

I think there is something going on with the planets- and it is making us all go a little squirley down here. Everyone I've talked to this past week says they have had a crazy week- emotional rollercoaster, not feeling themselves, strange things happening... all I can say is - phew!, I'm not alone.

The stranger thing is, is that - even when good things are happening, they come with so much other shite, that you don't know whether to laugh or cry - so I did a bit of both. You know keep all bases covered. :)

It's funny - just as I am thinking things just don't work out for me... yah - i know - whaa whaa... underneath I know good things are coming-

I have been in a bit of a funk the last few days- and then talked to a friend in Paris tonight for 2 hours, and while we were talking she said - oh! the Eiffel tower just lit up for you! She said - it is sparkling, just like you! :) - i know a bit o cheese, but it made me smile- as I haven't been feeling my sparkly self.

Anywho, as I was telling her about how much I wanted to get out of here- she said - i know what you mean- I should be over the moon happy- i am lying in my bed in Paris and watching the lights twinkle on the Eiffel tower and still am not happy- What is it going to take?

I know running away isn't the answer- but travelling centers me - makes me remember what I have- who I have in my life, and how lucky I am.

Enough woe is me - we all have our shite to sludge through - why not just be nice to each other- remember what we have - and be happy.

the view from here

the view from here
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

i have a small empty picture frame that sits on my window sill- i like to look through it at different times of the day to frame a moment of the sky.

cloudbusting

cloudbusting
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

cause every time it rains,
You’re here in my head,
Like the sun coming out--
Ooh, I just know that something good is going to happen.
And I don’t know when,
But just saying it could even make it happen.
Kate Bush - Cloudbusting

lightning strikes

lightning strikes
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

Last night we had an incredible electrical storm. The kind where you turn out the lights and stand in the doorway and just watch the magnificents of it all.

Cold wind coming from the North...

Well, I guess I want to vent.
I want to say that I really don't like rude people. I think if honesty is considered virtuous - then be honest.

Why is it that when someone is open, honest and giving - they get slapped in the face. Slapped is a bit harsh, but it did feel that way to a certain degree.

I told myself - i am not owed anything - i don't know this person. But I wouldn't be that rude to a stranger either!

A friend told me she read an article recently that talks about how our bodies can often have a physical reaction to something before we can process it mentally. Is that why I got so sick- was my body telling me something- was it telling me to stay home? And not worry about someone who wasn't worried about me. Someone I hardly knew, who I was trying to accomodate? impress? I don't know.

Don't assume things - don't assume that I wasn't thought of... it is hard not to assume that. I know you can't like everyone in the world - but don't give the impression you do and then turn your back - i'm not talking anything romantic - i'm talking friendly/friendship-wise.

I put myself - and was pushed to where I didn't want to be. I should have told the person who was pushing me that I didn't want to be pushed. That it made me appear to be something I am not. Argh!

but I always say - do not live with regret (i mean as long as you haven't killed anyone!)
you can only go forward - you can't go back.
Sometimes you lose, and everything happens for a reason.

Stand back- and eventually it will become clear.

cold wind blowing from the north dying down - warmer days ahead...

ahh, the complications of love...

"In a past life I was a mermaid who fell in love with an ancient mariner. I pulled him into the sea to be my husband. I didn't know he couldn't breathe underwater."

I found this a long time ago- i laughed then... but now it is something else.

NorthByNorthEast hits Toronto

Mark playing at NXNE
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

This past week was NXNE in Toronto - i was lucky to catch a number of great acts and one great documentary.

Tuesday night was the White Ribbon show at the Phoenix - a benefit for men against violence against women. Highlights of the night were-

Hawksley Workman singing a duet with Bruce Cockburn on Tokyo Rose, Ron Sexsmith covering tracey Ullman's (though I don't know if she actually wrote it) "They Don't Know" - i love that song! and then the Barenaked Ladies sang with Bruce Cockburn they're first ever hit- Lover's in a Dangerous Time - gorgeous!

The night ended with Ron and members of his band, the BNL, Jim Cuddy from Blue Rodeo, a guy from RUSH, Sarah Slean, Bruce Cockburn and Hawksley Workman - all together singing Woman by John Lennon. It was a great night.

Thursday night I saw Jeen O'Brien, and Alun Piggins. Both great.

Friday - a bit of Erin McKeown (great)

Saturday day - Valery Gore She was just ok...then, i saw the documentary - Rave Against the Machine - (mind blowing!) How music was the salvation for youth during the war in Sarajevo

and then Saturday night along with about 6 friends we headed down to see - Mark Geary (really wonderful) the photo is from that show - there was something wrong with the guitar line and so he had to unplug it- crouched down to squeeze voice and guitar together which created a whole new intimacy to the song.

All in all a great week filled with music.

Many other things went on that culminated in me getting really sick from heat stroke and nerves - but today the rain finally came and washed the past away. I can breathe again...

freedom

freedom
Originally uploaded by Sparklypear.

Fly as far as you want- but don't forget to land every once and awhile and appreciate what is around you.

the long and winding road

Hmm, where to start... I sit here today and think that there is someone else that I want to write to - but at this moment it doesn't seem the right thing to do. (and I have to start listening - when it doesn't seem right - then don't do it!)

You know when you meet someone and you get a good vibe off of them and you want to talk to them some more. Time passes and the conversations have happened over email - strangers opening up ever so slightly. Then you meet them again face to face and talk for hours. And it feels so nice - you have to remind yourself - I don't really know this person - i don't have to tell them everything- but they ask questions- and me being who I am answer with honesty. To my detriment perhaps...but i don't want to lie. -But discretion could be better. Put the heart inside the sleeve.

So much is said, and at the same time details are lost because you are trying to cram in a lifetime in a short time. Somewhere those details that are lost are needed to make a picture clearer - but that part of the conversation is past... for now?

I feel like I have been watching my life pass by lately. Beyond the fact that time seems to be speeding by faster and faster. Is that what happens when you get older and have responsibilities to think about instead of the being able to run around the playground until it starts to get dark with no other worries. I feel like I am outside of myself watching me go through rather life-altering experiences and analyzing those experiences and being so clear now as to how I feel.

My past has finally become my past- in regards to a relationship that ended a year and a half ago - though it felt longer because it died slowly - and painfully - I am now on the other side of it - i have been given answers and had all the doubts it brought up about myself put to rest- and I couldn't ask for anything more. This makes me feel happy- reassures me that what i thought was real - was.

And now....I have the take flight blues. I want to get out and travel again. Or just get out of this city. I don't know why I always want to get out of here. Maybe because I am really meant to be somewhere else? It affects every part of my life- from work to relationship- i don't want to get boxed in- but at the same time- need to survive- does it make sense?

Anywho...all i know now is that I am ready to ignore those demons in my head that say I'm not good enough and say ENOUGH!

As long as I make me happy - I cannot care if someone doesn't see the sparkle! because someday someone will :)